20. Wow.

Two decades. I made it farther than I thought. As a young girl growing up in Northern Ireland, my grandparents watched the news a lot, I was utterly convinced I would be killed by terrorists before my 18th since that was all that was ever publicized. I really had no clue then. Ignorance wasn't something that would disappear with age though. If you told me at 15 that I would go to college in the states I would have laughed you out of the place. And yet I have enough hindsight and wisdom to know that I have no idea where the next few years will take me. I may write a blogpost on my thirtieth birthday were I reflect upon this one; laughing at my past ignorance, sympathetic of the fact that I had no idea of direction. But I pray that I will not look back with regret.

I have done it all; new years resolutions, year bucket lists, "19 before 20". I created all these lists because I thought that at the end of completing these that I would feel so accomplished. I thought that I would know who I truly was, and that my life after this period of time would have underwent a quick-fix and all would be beautiful on the other side. I would be thinner, or more confident, or have one FINE looking man on my arm, or be a spiritual giant, the list went on. I have regrets about these lists I made; the lists I could never keep up with and then felt crushed that they didn't happen (notice I still hold onto the 20 pounds I wanted to lose before my 20th haha). Even if I had completed these lists, I doubt they would've made an impact. So what are aims for my 20th year?

While I was reading today I came across this article that Erma Bombeck had written entitled "If I Had to Live Over Again":

"I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains. I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now get washed up for dinner." There would have been more I love yous, more I'm sorrys, but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back."

So I will not be making lists this year. I'll be too busy. Because it all comes down to what we want to be known and remembered for, and I want Vikki Smyth to be known for seizing every minute, really seeing it, living it to the full and never giving it back.

Along with this, I want to remember and pray the prayer that the rabbi, Joshua Abraham Heschel prayed:

"Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all"