20. Wow.

Two decades. I made it farther than I thought. As a young girl growing up in Northern Ireland, my grandparents watched the news a lot, I was utterly convinced I would be killed by terrorists before my 18th since that was all that was ever publicized. I really had no clue then. Ignorance wasn't something that would disappear with age though. If you told me at 15 that I would go to college in the states I would have laughed you out of the place. And yet I have enough hindsight and wisdom to know that I have no idea where the next few years will take me. I may write a blogpost on my thirtieth birthday were I reflect upon this one; laughing at my past ignorance, sympathetic of the fact that I had no idea of direction. But I pray that I will not look back with regret.

I have done it all; new years resolutions, year bucket lists, "19 before 20". I created all these lists because I thought that at the end of completing these that I would feel so accomplished. I thought that I would know who I truly was, and that my life after this period of time would have underwent a quick-fix and all would be beautiful on the other side. I would be thinner, or more confident, or have one FINE looking man on my arm, or be a spiritual giant, the list went on. I have regrets about these lists I made; the lists I could never keep up with and then felt crushed that they didn't happen (notice I still hold onto the 20 pounds I wanted to lose before my 20th haha). Even if I had completed these lists, I doubt they would've made an impact. So what are aims for my 20th year?

While I was reading today I came across this article that Erma Bombeck had written entitled "If I Had to Live Over Again":

"I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains. I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now get washed up for dinner." There would have been more I love yous, more I'm sorrys, but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back."

So I will not be making lists this year. I'll be too busy. Because it all comes down to what we want to be known and remembered for, and I want Vikki Smyth to be known for seizing every minute, really seeing it, living it to the full and never giving it back.

Along with this, I want to remember and pray the prayer that the rabbi, Joshua Abraham Heschel prayed:

"Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all"

Not a Fan

I want to introduce a girl I had the honor of spending my freshman year at CCU with. Her name is Shelbi Draper. She is now studying at a different Christian university but her story and testimony is an incredible one. I highly recommend you check this story out. Nothing can stop this girl showing the love of Christ to those around her, she is more than a fan of God, she is a devoted follower who has handed over everything.

Prayer

One of my friends recently asked me what prayer meant to me and asked why I pray... It took me a while to gather my thoughts but when I got it all together I said that I see prayer as a means of communication. My mentor once told me to wholeheartedly pray for those who you necessarily don't like, because you will begin to see them how God sees them. Its amazing how your views of that person can change when you bring them before the almighty Father. I also said that another reason I pray is because its a way of communication and relationships develop through communication. How will I know if God is in something if I haven't truly experienced His presence and can recognize it.

One of the best prayers I have ever heard was when I went to my youth minister's house for dinner. His wife had made this awesome meal, and when Shamus (the youth minister) asked his kids who wanted to pray, his little girl Ellie (aged 4) and little boy Cooper (aged 7) both raised their hands at the same time. Shamus then said they could both pray but that Ellie could go first, this didn't please Cooper one bit as he claimed that Ellie always got to go first but he reluctantly carried on and accepted that he would go second. Ellie in her sweetest voice opened up with "Dear Jesus... thank you for today... and thank you that Mommy did not cook poison for dinner", Cooper then joined in with "Dear Jesus, I pray that one day I'll be able to pray first".

I loved how the kids approached this prayer, with such a rawness. I look back in my prayer journal and I can see where I started all formal-like in my prayers thinking that they had to be a certain way. But as I read on I see a vast array of emotion; I see where I could barely contain myself because something awesome had happened, or I see when I nearly ripped pages with my pen because I was so frustrated or stressed or I can see the rare days I had a wee cry in the pages and the ink had spread into blotches. You see God doesn't care how we come to Him, He just cares that we are there. He doesn't want more from us, He wants more of us.

When I went to Southland Christian Church today the sermon was on (funnily enough) prayer. Jon Weece opened up the question with "How do you pray?". Jon said, "first, say nothing". It is only when we say nothing, that we hear everything. There is a seismic difference between God as a concept and God as a reality. We can sit in our bible studies and classes, and wrap God in different theological terms and processes, but these are nothing in comparison to actually experiencing His presence in our lives. Jon claimed that we should say nothing, enter into the presence of God and then say everything. Remember who you are talking to; In the presence of God the King...say nothing, in the presence of God the Father... say everything.

Jon gave a formula for how to pray and it goes like this:

1. "God, Thank you for... "

2. "God, Help me... "

3. "God, Use me..." 

This formula isn't rocket science, but so many times we focus on one too much or forget about one or two all together. 

Always remember, if it matters to you it will matter to God. Every situation hinges on whose hands it lies in and although it's extremely difficult to lay our situations into the hands of God, He is the only one we can lay them into the hands of.

And So Ends Sophomore Year...

I guess I had forgotten a lot of what went on this year. At the end of each year I always go into "reflective mode" where I basically evaluate on whether I have spent my last year effectively or if I have wasted it away. With this hindsight in mind, I make decisions on what I want the next year to look like. But as I looked over this past year, I don't think that I could sum it up better than the fact it was a 2 Corinthians 12:9 kind of year.

"But he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me" -  

2 Corinthians 12:9

On paper, this looks like it was my strongest year. Sometimes it felt the complete opposite. I realized this year that I cant do this life thing alone; that I needed God, and that I needed people. The later was the hardest for me to accept. Let me tell you a little about last year. I got onto Camp Teams, where I will be leading and traveling with three other people, working at seven camps over seven weeks across Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky and Illinois. I was part of Student Body Leadership with an incredible team who have become my closest friends, and which I will be on next year, with a brilliant team and as Vice-President. This sounds great, and I have been extremely blessed. But let me tell you how it all came about. 

When I entered my Sophomore year, I was so focused on proving myself. I had never observed rock bottom this close before. Each time we got a break from school and I headed to Lexington, I could see the look on my friend Mark's face as he knew I was ready for a break again and that I had pushed myself too much...again. A friend encouraged me into counseling, where I would swallow my pride and admit that this time... I couldn't fix it myself. I finished counseling only two weeks ago. In regards to camp teams, I didn't want to apply at all for this year. I had been turned down the year before and I didn't want to go through the heartache again. Many people tried encouraging me to apply, but I wouldn't budge. Failure and rejection were fears that were consuming my life. I took one friend in particular who would make me sit outside the coffee shop one Saturday afternoon to fill out the online application (and I mean the word "make"... you know who you are). 

When I got on the team for SBL, I didn't know any of them too well. We were all from different pockets of school and had never really hung out before the team was formed. As the year went on I can honestly tell you that these people became some of my closest friends. We planned events, both successful and unsuccessful. We planned Halloween parties, formal events, outings...so many events. One of the highlights was waking up at 3am to plant easter eggs all over the campus for a surprise hunt the next day for all the student body. When it came to the end of the year I wasn't sure if I could do it again, something was telling me I couldn't, that someone else would be far better. But friends came alongside me, told me things different and encouraged me to pursue on. 

This year pushed me beyond limits. It made me do things I didn't want to, but they were things where the only major hurdle was... myself. I was living in a performance trap. But as I look on this past year, I do not look on it with regret. I look back on this year and with a smile and a laugh say "about time Victoria". 

I admitted that I didn't know all the answers. 

I admitted that I wasn't as strong as everyone thought I was. 

I admitted that I didn't know how to differentiate between excellence and perfection. 

I admitted that I needed the people around me. 

I admitted that I needed help and that I couldn't do it alone. 

And that is why this was my strongest and best year. 

I always thought I had to do life with a squeaky clean record. That I had a million people to please and that my life was dedicated to that purpose. I realized my weakness, but the day I decided to embrace that weakness and ask God and friends to fill the gap was the strongest day of my life. There is great strength in weakness and in vulnerability. Life is trial and error and we never get it right all the time. I got out of my comfort zone this year, and I don't want to go back there. I know it is such a cliche to say that we should be living each day like the last, we should be seizing the day, carpe diem, even YOLO (Father forgive me). But these aren't bad approaches in which to live your life. 

So what did I learn this past year? (In a nut shell) 

• In everything, be who you are. If you are not yourself, then nothing you do or accomplish will ever seem worthwhile. At the end of the day you will feel like an impostor and the person who accomplished all those things will feel so separate from who you are. 
• You have your whole life to accomplish everything you want to do, stop thinking you need to get a degree, a masters, a job, travel, fall crazy in love, marry your partner and a have a family all in a 5 year time span. Trust in God's timing and in the fact that His plan is far more exciting than yours will ever be. Your life isn't going to be "sorted" in only a small time frame. 
• Jesus redefined greatness. Rather than going by the worlds definition, Jesus showed that true greatness meant love and service to the Lord and to those around Him. Be that. 
• Rest in the fact that you are a child of God, be still and know it. He doesn't want more from you, He wants more of you. 
• Faith is saying that where you are and what you have right now is enough and being confident in that. 
• Never have a preconceived notion of a person or situation. Go into every situation with a positive spirit, willing to make the most out of whatever faces you. 
• Treasure the people around you and never be scared to love them as much as you possibly can. 
• Do your best to everyday wake up and ask yourself how you can make the most out of that day. 
• You can't do life perfectly, don't even try, but pursue God in everything and you will never go wrong.
• Don't be too proud to ask for help, you aren't suppose to do life alone. Thats why we have friends and family. 
• There are blessings everywhere, try to always remember them. 
• Find a reason to smile and laugh everyday

This is my awesome camp team. I will be traveling with them this summer. This is Dustin, myself, Carly and Roger. Please be praying for us this summer as we go out and try to love on anyone we meet.

 This is my awesome SBL team this past year. It consists of Johannes, Caleb, Stacey, Joel and Nick. Meetings with these guys were never dull and I can tell you that I have learned something valuable from every single member of this team. They have all impacted me and I can honestly tell you that I will always remember these guys. Working alongside them was an absolute honor.

Only a few of the crazy friends which I count as family. CCU and the people there have changed my life. These people are my family, and I couldn't ask for people who care more about me than the family I have found there.

So what advice do I give for this rather extended thought. Take a snapshot of your life right now and realize everything and everyone you have. You are blessed. But the ball is in your court about what you want to do about that. You can be cynical and waste it all away. Or you can use these temporary things and make them have an eternal impact. Make the most of everything, let fear become your past and pursue everyday with the wish to push yourself so much more, going to bed that night feeling that because of that day you grew a little bit more.

I asked Mark Rankin if he had any life advice for me and he said "Vikki... thats so vague... don't waste your life on vague and stupid things"...I also wouldn't tell him what it was for so thats probably why he was so abrasive...

Love, Vikki

Relationship

Sometimes as Christians we get so full of cliches.. and we have all heard them... but usually behind many of them there is a truth to be found ... some of them you may just have to look harder than others or twist them altogether. We see the "a relationship with God is the best relationship you can have" usually printed over a backdrop of a random mountain scenery or something along those lines but we forget the implications of this statement. You have probably at one point also heard people refer to Christianity as a relationship and not a religion. It is a totally true statement, but we rarely dwell on this idea of being "in relationship" with God and what does this mean in our lives?

1) The Oxford Dictionary defines "relationship" as "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected". Ok, so this idea of "connectedness" seems big. Looking into this more I would say that this is a consistent thing, commitment is involved, that it is not something you can pick up when you do desire, and when you are in...you're all in or at least you should be. We are either in a relationship or we are not. There is no on the fence when it comes to relationships. We are either fully invested or not invested at all. 

2) If I were in a romantic relationship, even in relationships with friends, if I think that there is something wrong or am feeling distant from that person, I'm going to do something about it and have an urgency about it. I would never think "oh it'll fix itself", relationships don't work like that. I would want to fix it because I care about them so much and care about that relationship. I would do everything I could; call, text, write, whatever it took to restore that relationship back to what it was. But when I think about how often I have felt distant from God, or that I just haven't felt "connected", and I didn't do anything about it, it makes me feel so guilty. With God we figure that He will just show up soon, it'll only be a matter of time, the next worship thing we go to, next church service. I should be alarmed when I don't feel connected to God. The very minute it crosses my mind, I should be off to talk to Him, read His Word, there should be urgency in this relationship when I feel it isn't where it should be. 

3) You are never suddenly in a relationship, it takes time, work, and a constant commitment. Everyday you pour more of yourself into it, you invest yourself in it, all of yourself. Its a constant journey which takes constant effort and work. But how many times do I view my relationship with God like this? And how many times do I put so much importance on it? Relationships are not stagnant. They need to keep moving, we keep pursuing and chasing. 

4) Your relationship with God is so unlike any other relationship with anyone else. You see God knows you, your past, knows you below the mask you put on with other people, has saw you at your best and worst and still that does not affect the fact He still thinks more of you than all your friends put together. People often say that you can see the healthiness of your life based upon your relationships with people. But you can see the healthiness of your relationships with people based upon your relationship with God. If you are really seeking Him, you begin to see His people in a way that He sees them and all the blessings which come from being closer to Him. 

5) Relationships need quality time with that person. Alone time, where you are not being shared between them and someone else. How many times do we spend intentional time alone with God, without distractions? Where we set aside a time and place where we keep our eyes on Him and are genuinely interested in our relationship with Him and with its progress? 

6) We are in love in relationships. Can you genuinely say you are "in love" with God? That idea makes us uncomfortable I know. But have we got to the point where we just get so overwhelmed that God should think so much of us even though we're pretty crappy. Everyday do we wake up and count our blessings that God should be so in love with us? and why isnt' that enough somedays? 

7) Such joy and happiness comes with relationships. There is unbelievable joy to be found in a relationship with God. You can go on crazy adventures where you never thought you would go. 

Recently in a conversation with one of my closest friends, we discussed how the very things which the human body craves can be found in the Bible and in the characteristics of God. We seek purpose, love and consistency. But God is the only being which can offer such a deal. We crave the character of God and the fruits of the spirit that come with Him. But like true humans we try and seek these cravings in other things, and that marks our very downfall when we make that decision. When we sin we settle for less than we deserve, because God freely offers us so much more. 

Fear

Fear has been something which has come up a lot recently and is something I am just looking more into. Ironically, this devotional which is sent to my email everyday has started off a new series and surprise surprise...its a series on fear. So I wanted to share this first devotional which I received a couple days ago....

"Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

 

I think fear is one of Satan’s biggest tricks. If we are afraid to do something, to go somewhere, or to say something, we are often stopped from even trying whatever that something is. Fear can be blinding. Halting. Disorienting. God understands this. Have you ever noticed how often the phrase “Do not be afraid” is used in the Bible? It’s everywhere. And usually, when God is saying fear not to someone, it is because they are about to embark on some incredible journey for His Kingdom. Think about it. What did the angel say to Mary right before she found out she was pregnant with the savior of the world? Fear not. To Joshua before an impossible battle? Fear not. To Paul while he was bringing the gospel story to the nations? Do not be afraid. You see, God knows there is fear in us, but He also knows that behind it all lies a kingdom opportunity. Could it be that the thing making you tremble is the very thing you're called to? It’s not about just conquering fear for conquering's sake. It's more about the potential of what lies behind it. Let's say you are afraid to pray out loud. It may be that you should just go shout a prayer into a crowded room in order to get over your fear. Or perhaps God wants you to pray out loud for a specific person He has laid on your heart. Whatever it is for you, fear not! Don’t let fear blind, halt, or disorient you from your kingdom opportunity."

If you want to sign up for this devotional which you receive in your email everyday you can at http://southlandchristian.org/blogs/devo/ 

What If Money Was No Object?

So my friend Mark told me about this video today and I have to say I love it! He brought it up and said "I know you're into this type of crap", and it actually proved that he knows me quite well. When the first question is raised we immediately begin thinking about our ultimate dreams, what we could do if money wasn't an issue, and even more. We associate money not being an option which strength and an "anything is possible" perspective, we get excited about it, passionate almost. I went all goosebumps when I heard that we should live in the way that money is no object, and how we should just live! Don't waste your time, get right to the dream! Sometimes I think that God's dream for me and my dreams are totally different and run parallel to one another but they will never cross. But I do not give my God any credit; my gifts, passions and dreams are given by God. But my dreams are still pretty mediocre to God and I cant help but think He looks over my shoulder, laughs at my dreams and goes "pfft, wait till you see what I have in store, wayyyy better and wayyy more imaginative than you're stuff". Looking back, there are some things which I am so thankful didn't work out, more than thankful but in those situations I was often heartbroken, but that heartbrokenness was merely God whispering "Vikki, I promise that what I have is better, trust Me", at the time you never buy it, but hindsight is an incredible thing. One day I might travel the world, take beautiful pictures, marry a funny and gorgeous man to do ministry with, have 5 beautiful children, live in a beautiful house and laugh everyday or I might not and be living something I cant even fathom because its so crazy awesome. Either way I live with the promise that I will never be left or forsaken (Hebrews 13:5) and that God has thee best plan for me which is far better than the one I have for myself.

Dreams are an awesome thing. I love seeing them happen to the people around me and reading about them in the Bible. When the Lord tells Sarah, who so old and has been barren her whole life, that she is going to have a baby, she laughs, she doesn't believe that God could do such a thing and bless her in such a way and she just laughs. For once in my life I am beyond excited about how God is going to work in my life, so excited to see how He is going to show up in my life and dreams and I cannot wait to tell you all about it.

Love,
   Vikki :)